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Wednesday, November 08, 2006

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The Straits Times Monday, October 23, 2006

Interesting article: You say commit, I say wait a minute.

Women carp about men who can't commit, but are they the sort of gals men want to commit to in the first place?

Straighttalk by Nicholas Fang

One of my colleagues recently wrote a column that touched on the fact that some men are afraid of commitment and how this wreaks havoc among the women of the world.

After reading it, I was moved to ask the question: Just why are so many men seen as being commitment-phobes?

I'll admit that many of my guy friends are less than prepared to jump headlong into a long-term commitment. But, at the same time, many of my peers have had no qualms in settling down at, in my opinion, a very early age.

Personally, I've had charges of being a commitment-phobe leveled at me fairly often over the years.

And I suppose my track record warrants it: still single at the age of 31; the last serious girlfriend I had was two years ago, and with no signs of a long-term relationship on the horizon.

But I think being wary of commitment can be a good thing.

Now before I'm set upon by hordes of women who have been frustrated by non-committal men in the past, let me explain why I think this is so.

First of all, I want to know: What's the rush?

Yes, I know women are plagued by the dastardly biological clock that we men seem blissfully unaware of. And yes, men do seem to have a longer shelf life in terms of attracting the fairer sex (think Richard Gere, Sean Connery and other legions of old, but still oh-so-sexy, leading men). But hasn't society as a whole moved on so that women are less inclined to be in a hurry to settle down, get married and start a family?

I've often been reminded by my female friends that women are the equals - if not more - of men in today's society, be it in terms of earning ability, social status or power in the workplace. Gone are the days when women were supposed to stay at home, cook dinner and have babies while the men brought home the bacon. Even the most traditional of my relatives are fast coming to terms with this idea. So what's the rationale behind finding someone quickly to get hitched?

Biological reasons aside, there doesn't seem to be that same pressure from society these days to rush to tie the knot. So who can blame guys for wanting a little more time before settling down? This is not to say that I condone the cavalier behavior of love 'em and leave 'em types who lead women on with no concern other than their own personal gratification.

But there is quite a simple reason as to why guys just don't want to take a relationship to "the next level", as it were.

After speaking to some of my other single male friends who have concerns about commitment, I realized that, in many cases, there was an underlying thread - we guys just weren't that into our girlfriends, to borrow a line from Sex and the City.

That does not mean that we were looking for an immediate exit. We enjoyed their company. But we were not sure enough to make the next move, be it declaring that we would "go steady", move in with each other or get down on bended knee.

Should we have spelt this all out in black and white for the girls at the beginning?

Well, it might have been presumptuous of us to take it for granted that that was what the ladies wanted from us in the first place, and we might have been laughed at for doing so. However, it seems girls who complain about us so-called commitment-phobes do want us to spell it out for them. And when we fail to do so, I guess it's easier to brand us cowards in the face of commitment. Easier, that is, than facing the likelihood that the sparks just isn’t flying between them and us.

So, to be fair to us guys, it might not be a case of fear of commitment, just fear of commitment with that particular girl.

And surely it is better to be true to our feelings, rather than pretend things are fine and end up committing to a relationship we are not 100 per cent sure about?

If we feel that we have been pressured into a relationship, the resentment and unhappiness will most likely fester and evolve into something unpleasant for all concerned.

Also, I'd like to point out that, over the years, I've met girls who are happier to play the field than settle down, causing their share of heartbreak to their male partners as well.

So it's not just a guy thing.

To all the girls out there who are tearing their hair out over a man, could I just ask for a bit of patience?

Give up that notion of a fairy tale ending. If it's not meant to be, making excuses for us, clinging to us and hassling us will not make us a Prince Charming to your Cinderella.


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